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Tron: Legacy Trailer – DECODED!
Tron: Legacy is undoubtedly the most feverishly-anticipated movie of the year if you’re a boy of very specific age.And now there’s a Tron: Legacy trailer! Exciting! But what does it show? Will it be as good as the original Tron? What’s the Daft Punk soundtrack like? Has Jeff Bridges shaved off that silly beard yet? What is a Tron, anyway?
Frankly, if you watch the Tron: Legacy trailer, you’ll end up none the wiser. It’s all flash-flash and bang-bang and you may as well be peering into a distorted kaleidoscope while nightmarish circus music plays in the background for all the good it’ll do, if we’re honest. But never fear – we’ve taken the Tron: Legacy trailer and broken it down scene by scene. You’ll find it much easier to work out what’s going on afterwards, we promise…
Without any further ado, here’s the Tron: Legacy trailer in full…
No, us neither. Not a bloody clue. Honestly, we may as well have been watching a mid-1970s Kurdish public information claymation film about the dangers of angry horses for all the information we managed to get out of it. Never feature, we’re going to decode the crap out of the Tron: Legacy trailer for you, in incredible detail. Ready?
TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 1
Here we meet our new hero. As you can see, he’s quite good at motorbikes. But don’t bother remembering that, because it almost certainly won’t be important to the plot in any way.TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 2
Here’s a close-up reminder of the name of the film - Encom TRON Encom. Although technically we think this film is really called Encom TRON Encom: Legacy or Encom TRON Encom 2: The Legacy or Encom TRON Encom 2: Legacy – The Squeakquel. Truth be told, we just don’t know.TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 3
Cool, it’s the Batmobile! Um, we mean the Tronmobile! Batmotron? Tratmoquad? Oh, screw this. It’s the bloody Batmobile, OK?TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 4
This is where Tron: Legacy lays out its cards most explicitly. It’s The Matrix… BUT WITH FRISBEES! Also, depending on the gender of the genitalia we’re staring up at, this is either the sexiest or most repulsive scene from the Tron: Legacy trailer.TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 5
Oh, great, we didn’t know that Kim Cattrall was going to be in this. Hello, Kim! We loved you in Honeymoon Academy! Nice glass penis!TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 6
Holy crap, it’s OSCAR WINNING ACTOR JEFF BRIDGES! And he’s still got his Crazy Heart beard, too! Maybe at some point in Tron: Legacy he’ll sing a downhome country and western song about the Sapphire HD5850 1GB GDDR5 Graphics Card or something. Fun!TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 7
Oh wait, it looks like the motorbike scene from earlier in the trailer was important after all. We sure didn’t see that coming. Also, there’s speculation that one of the riders in this scene is actually The Stig from Top Gear. We hope that’s true, because that would increase the likelihood of Tron: Legacy containing a scene where someone throws a red tortoise shell at Jeremy Clarkson and he explodes. Fingers crossed!Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
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WEBTHUMP! 10 March 2010
10 – Ewan McGregor continues to be fairly unlikeable – AmyGrindhouse
9 - Bye bye (most of) Hollyoaks – WatchWithMothers
8 - Want to get paid to be the lowest rung of the Pocket TV food chain? Here’s Not Simon Amstell with details – YouTube
7 - THIS DINOSAUR WILL EAT YOU! – Geekologie
6 - Literally everything you could ever wish to know about the Oscars. Literally – BestWeekEver
5 – OLD UNICORN LADY! NO, REALLY! – Asylum
4 – Simon Cowell continues to make an unusually large fuss about his girlfriend in public – Popsugar
3 – Kate Nash’s fringe - MyChemicalToilet
2 - Ha ha, people who go online dating are funny – Uncoached
1 - The trololo video. BUT WHERE’S THE TROLOLO?
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Lindsay Lohan Sues E-Trade & All Drunk Babies Named Lindsay
Lindsay Lohan’s career is on the wane – the films have dried up, the music’s gone AWOL and the fashion is hopeless.What can she do for money? Simple, the same thing you’d do if you found your employment prospects compromised by bad personal and professional decisions – she’s suing an online share-trading firm for allegedly stealing her identity in an advert about a talking baby called Lindsay who’s a ‘milkaholic’.
For claiming that a drunk baby stole her identity, you might assume that Lindsay Lohan has lost her marbles – but hear her out. After all, it’s not as if she’s suing E-Trade for a hopelessly inflated, Dr Evil-style sum of money that would instantly make you question her basic relationship with reality, is it? What? She’s suing E-Trade for $100 million? Okaaaay.
It must be so awesome being Lindsay Lohan. Sure, it’s dried up professionally for her a bit, and she still seems like a bit of a mess, but think of all the things she can do. She gets to go to all the coolest parties. Her voice is so deep and gravelly that she can legitimately phone restaurants and book tables under the pretence that she’s either Morgan Freeman or the dead mother from Psycho. And she gets to believe that every single thing that happens on the face of the planet is somehow related to her.
Like the E-Trade advertising campaign, for instance. If you’ve never seen an E-Trade commercial, you’re basically missing out on a short video of a talking baby. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, but it has stolen Lindsay Lohan’s identity wholesale. At least according to Lindsay Lohan, it has. One recent E-Trade advert featured a talking baby called Lindsay who was described as e a ‘milkaholic’. Look, here it is…
And Lindsay Lohan’s understandable reaction to that was… well, let’s let EW take over:
The Mean Girls star claims that one of the online brokerage’s recent TV ads featuring a ditzy, “milkaholic” baby girl named Lindsay is modeled after her and improperly invoked her “likeness, name, characterization, and personality” without permission, violating her right to privacy. Lohan is suing for $50 million in compensatory damages and an additional $50 million in exemplary damages.
Now, look. We’re not lawyers or anything, and we’d rather not get involved in any of this, but let’s try and smooth things out by breaking down Lindsay Lohan’s claims to see how well they stand up.
Likeness – Hard to argue, surely. If the baby really was modelled on Lindsay Lohan, then it wouldn’t really look like a baby – it’d look like a structurally-compromised Terrahawk puppet, have the voice of Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget, chainsmoke and often forget to wear knickers in public. But it didn’t. It looked like a baby.
Name – True, the baby was called Lindsay. But Lindsay Lohan isn’t the only Lindsay or Lindsey on the planet. Surely if Lindsay Lohan can win $100 million from this then Lindsey Buckingham, Lindsey Shaw, Robert Lindsay, the entire town of Lindsay, Nebraska and the Lindsey Hopkins Technical Centre in Santa Clara, California deserve something as well.
Characterisation and personality – Here’s where we think Lindsay Lohan’s claim really falls down. For starters, the Lindsay in the advert was a milkaholic – but Lindsay Lohan isn’t addicted to milkahol, she’s addicted to alcohol. That’s a big difference. Also, you can more or less understand what the E-Trade Lindsay is trying to say, which nobody has really been able to do with Lindsay Lohan since about 2004. Finally, at no point during the commercial did E-Trade Lindsay attempt to sue an embryo called Lindsay for $100 million just because it had the same name as her.
But, hey, what do we know?
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VIDEO: The Oddest Thing You’ll See All Day
The Earth is a big place full of water, clouds, deserts and the occasional country. Now wouldn’t it be rubbish if everywhere was the same? If everywhere was depressing as, say, Hartlepool, then nobody would feel any joy. Thankfully, various countries have their own differences. America gave us extra large portions and Scotland introduced us to the worst sort of diet possible. And the UK? Well, after chomping on the national dish of curry and imported lager, it’s time to finish the evening off with a fight.
One country which is constantly admired for its general mentalness is Japan. Honestly, pretty much anything goes over there, and the place has a lot more than cute girls eating bits of fish wrapped up in rice and seaweed. Now the ladies have gotten weirdly angry and want to hurt themselves for your pleasure. Video after the jump, of course…
Don’t fret poppets; we wouldn’t divert your attention to something like that if it was real. Even we’re not that wrong in the head. Instead this is an old clip from a Japanese movie called Tokyo Gore Police.
Like you, we don’t have any idea what’s going and, yes, we are confused about why someone made a fake commercial with girls stabbing themselves. But did it amuse us for ten seconds? Yes, it certainly achieved its aim. So thank us by sending chocolate.
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SLACKERJACK – MegaDrill
Remember Hedgehog Launcher? Good, because MegaDrill is that in reverse. Rather than fling a hedgehog into space to collect coins dangling from the sky, MegaDrill gets you to plough into the ground to collect coins lodged in the Earth’s crust.And rather good it is, too. MegaDrill gives you 25 goes to dig into the ground, then upgrade your machinery, then dig again, then upgrade again, until you’re able to dig so deep that you can collect diamonds as big as a house. Worth playing this one until the end, too, just to see the weird animation when you complete it. To our knowledge, MegaDrill might be the only online game in history to show a cut-scene of you paying a percentage of your earnings as tax.
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Miley Cyrus Says She’s Absolutely Deeper Than You
Miley Cyrus was at the Oscars on Sunday, possibly because Hannah Montana: The Movie was up for the Biggest Load Of Cack award.But possibly not. Either way, Miley Cyrus was at the Oscars, and her date for the night was her newest Liam Hemsworth. We’re telling you this not because the pair of them are rumoured to be dating, or because Miley came tantalisingly close to confirming those rumours. No, we’re telling you this because, while describing Hemsworth, Miley Cyrus said “I think we’re both deeper than normal people.”
You heard it here first, everyone – Miley Cyrus is deeper than you. No matter what you do in your entire life, you’ll never even be a tenth as profound as Miley Cyrus is, even when she’s just talking about her hair or whatever. Sorry to be the ones who had to break it to you. Deal with it.
She may only be 17 years old, but Miley Cyrus has been put through the wringer when it comes to romance. She’s run the gamut of boyfriends in her time. She’s done the physical thing by going out with that underwear boy. She’s done the annoying, underdeveloped squeaky-voiced eunuch thing by going out with a Jonas Brother. She even spent a while hanging out with a creepy, long-haired, vest-wearing weirdo with a horrible mini-beard who was old enough to be her dad. Oh, that was her dad? Sorry, our mistake.
But what Miley Cyrus craved more than anything was her intellectual and spiritual equal. You know, somebody who could match her thirst for knowledge. Someone who understood the staggering profundity of, say, standing next to a man of Pacific-Asian descent and making your eyes go all slitty or taking most of your clothes off and rolling around on a guy’s lap for an ill-advised MySpace photoshoot. Someone like Liam Hemsworth.
Liam Hemsworth is Miley Cyrus’s co-star in the upcoming The Last Song, which is being heralded as Miley’s first foray into adult-orientated films because – even though it looks like a lightweight piece of teenage nonsense that nobody would ever willingly watch – at no point does she put on a yellow wig and sing a song about how happy rainbows make her feel or whatever. And, reportedly, he’s also Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend.
What drew the two of them together? Oh, we don’t know – maybe the fact that they’re both basically smaller versions of Arthur Schopenhauer and Charles François d’Abra de Raconis but with perkier teeth. Here’s how Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus described each other in Teen Vogue this month:
“Working with Miley was a alot easier than I thought it was going to be,” Hemsworth admits. “From the first time we [met], It was like I had known her before.” His famous girlfriend adds, “I think we’re both deeper than normal people–what they think and how they feel. He’s very grateful for what he has, but he doesn’t let it go to his head. I’m like that too.”
Finally! Someone’s given Miley Cyrus credit for being the transcendentally enlightened individual that she is. Because, come on, if the lyrics to Party In The USA aren’t on the same level as, say, Phenomenology and the Crisis of Philosophy: Philosophy as Rigorous Science, and Philosophy and the Crisis of European Man by Edmund Husserl then we’ll eat our hats. In fact, we heard that Miley’s next single is to be a meditation on Mortimer Adler’s assertion that, to avoid the naturalistic fallacy, we must formulate at least one self-evident prescriptive truth, allowing us to reason to the truth of other prescriptives.
What? It’s not? It’s going to be another song about how boys make Miley’s heart smile? Oh fine, forget everything we just said.
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Julie and Julia – Blu-ray Review
Julie and Julia has all of the winning ingredients of your lady-happy chick-flick, mixed with some run-of-the-mill award baiting biographical gubbins and sprinkled with a couple of ‘it’ leads – but this recipe is overcooked.It’s hard to find a more likeable lady in Hollywood than Amy Adams, with the innocent twinkle in her eye and an irresistible charm to her performances, she is perfectly capable here of portraying one half of this twin-bio as Julie Powell. The other half comes from Meryl Streep, in another performance for her to literally chew on in the hope it’ll shit out a few more awards. Here she jumps into some big shoes to play the hormonally challenged Julia Child.
It is really Streep’s show – as you would expect – managing to make a decent embodiment of Child and her eccentricities, including the voice that sounds like a drowning goat. It’s a thorough performance and slaps a bit of smugness on Streep’s part (she must have had some space in her awards cupboard to fill).
As Julie starts blogging her way through Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking, we get flashbacks to Child becoming the legendary master chef that she was known as. It’s a tale of two women who struggle through culinary woes and the only missing piece from the biopic checklist is the usual drug addiction act – but the only cold turkeys are the ones in her fridge.
The film never really exceeds its expectations but manages to be an enjoyable romp. It doesn’t even act as gratuitous food porn (you’ll have to look elsewhere for that), as all the culinary delights on offer won’t urge you to be prepping lobster thermidor any time soon.
As the plot trickles on we just see the two characters’ meteoric rise to success, with few struggles on the way. Only Julie comes across an obstacle in the form of the most pathetic break-up argument ever to have been committed to the silver screen (we’ve shouted at children in the street with more ferocity). In fact, Julie’s boyfriend Eric (Chris Messina) is a wet blanket, given nothing to do but stuff his ridiculously sculpted face and then hit on Adams – how could we possibly like a character who gets paid to do that?
The film seems to build-up to a meeting between the two leads that never happens, and the happy ending is loosely pinned together in the cheesiest way possible. Julie and Julia themselves are a couple of sweet characters with a nice bit of decorative icing on top, but after indulging on them for too long we felt the urge to be sick.
‘Spray Rating: 3/5
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Guide To Becoming An International Lothario
If last night’s Oscars taught us anything, it’s that George Clooney can do no wrong.
There he was, right in the front row, pulling a thousand faces that made him look like everything from a bored child in church to a bored child in church with a nasty case of intestinal parasites, and the ladies still swooned all over him. Why? Because George Clooney and his ilk are lotharios. If only you could be more like him, eh? Eh?Luckily, we’re here to help. To make sure that everyone has the chance to become an old-school jet-setting charmer like Clooney or Brad Pitt or Roger Moore, we’ve knocked up this handy guide to becoming an international charmer. Enjoy, and thank us later…
Dress code
At first we were going to suggest a sharp Don Draper-style suit, but that’s no good. A hit with the ladies he may be, but Draper’s all about work. Imagine what a sweltering wreck you’d be if you spent your summer strolling around Capri in a full suit and tie. No, to pull this look off, you have to think like the masters – what you need is a tiny pair of Speedos, with a velvet smoking jacket to set it off in the evenings. As for accessories, you can never go wrong with a giant gold medallion nestled in a luxurious mane of chest hair. You may also like to think about experimenting with a moustache.
Transport
To become a true international lothario, you’ll need a yacht and a tiny Italian sports car. But then you’ll only be a good international lothario, and they’re ten a penny. If you want to be a great international lothario, why not invest in a helicopter? After all, any idiot can drive a car along the Amalfi coast, but only a true jet-setter can zoom over it in their own chopper with three giggling supermodels on each arm. Be sure to throw your head back and laugh like you haven’t got a care in the world every couple of miles, too. You’re much more likely to crash as a result of doing this, but what do you care? You don’t fear death, you’re rich!
Accent
Remember, you’re an international lothario. Blathering away in your natural Billericay accent won’t get you anywhere. You need to sound witty and profound and charming and deep if you’re going to ahead with the European glamourcenti. So why not take a leaf out of Daniel Day Lewis’s book? In Nine, Daniel adopted a bizarre mid-European accent so utterly bewildering that the likes of Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard and Nicole Kidman couldn’t help but throw themselves at him. Remember, nothing is sexier than sounding a bit like Borat’s developmentally-challenged younger nephew.
Hobbies
As a man of incredible style and wealth, you’ll need to find something to occupy your time. And playing Mario Kart in your pants probably won’t square with your new image as a jet-setting charmer. You could collect art, or become a wine buff, or learn to appreciate opera – but that’s hardly exciting. Some form of sporting activity works well – look at what a dollop of tennis prowess did for noted jetsetter Jacques D’Azur, on and off the court – but if you’re going to do something, you may as well do it properly. So why not develop a side career as a master criminal instead? It’ll ensure that you remain a member of the idle rich, it’ll keep you in expensive clothes, it’ll give you a hint of danger that will drive the ladies wild and – if Danger: Diabolik is any indication – you’ll get to live in a psychedelic underground cave that contains a giant, rotating, money-covered bed. Plus you get to wear all-in-one leather ninja suits, too. How many wine buffs can get away with that?
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New Iron Man 2 Trailer – Decoded!
Iron Man 2 is one of 2010’s biggest films – because what do people like more than beardy, middle-aged punching robots?Nothing, that’s what. But what can we expect from Iron Man 2? Will there be more explosions? Yes! Will there be more fight scenes? Yes! Will there be more gnarled, topless old men who talk in an affected Russian accent so ludicrous that it’d be offensive if it wasn’t so indecipherable? Yes!
We know this because a new Iron Man 2 trailer has just been released. But, like most modern things, it’s all a bit too whizz-bang for us to understand. So we’ve decided to slow down the new Iron Man 2 trailer and talk you through it scene by scene. Once again, you’re welcome…
So let’s get things started right away. Here’s the new Iron Man 2 trailer…
Wait, what just happened? We don’t know either. That was such a jumble of unconnected images and noises that there isn’t a human being on the face of the planet who could have absorbed all of that information at once. So let’s put on our decoding hats and work out exactly what Iron Man 2 will hold…
IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 1
Hey, look, it’s Sherlock Holmes! No, wait, not Sherlock Holmes, the other one. You know, Charlie Chaplin. No, wait, not Charlie Chaplin either. That bloke from Ally McBeal? Yes, that’s who it is. He’s wearing a metal suit, but that’s probably got something to do with one of Ally McBeal’s zany fantasy sequences. Yes, that’s almost definitely what’s happening here.IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 2
It’s Scarlett Johansson. This is undoubtedly a good thing, because she always improves every movie she ever stars in. Like, say, that crappy Woody Allen film. And Michael Bay’s The Island. And He’s Just Not That Into You. And… oh, who are we kidding? Scarlett Johansson makes all films worse. Incidentally, the sound you can hear over this shot in the Iron Man 2 trailer is the sound of Gwyneth Paltrow grinding her teeth because she’s not the prettiest woman in Iron Man any more.IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 3
This is Mickey Rourke’s big scene. His big monologue that introduces not only his character’s personal philosophy, but also one of the main themes of the film. So it’s a bit of a bloody shame that he’s decided to do it in a ridiculously impenetrable Russian accent. We think he’s saying “Ivooka may cobbley, pee poo wiseizto bleevim. Deyvill deploy dewatoo anna shaksucum. AHAHAHA!” But we could be wrong.IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 4
Here are some of the other enemies that Iron Man will face in this movie. They’re stormtroopers. No, wait, not stormtroopers. Footsoldiers. No, wait, not those either. Oh, we don’t know.IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 5
But, look, here’s Robert Downey Jr and Not Terrence Howard blowing some of them up. Poor Terrence Howard. He must watch this and feel so sad that it isn’t a wholly computer-generated image of a robot of roughly his size that’s blowing up other computer-generated robots in a film.IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 6
In this scene, Scarlett Johansson makes something hot fire out of Robert Downey Jr’s penis. No, wait, we meant she’s made his weapon ejaculate. No, wait, we meant she’s wanked off his metal shaft. No wait, we… oh, actually we were right. Scarlett Johansson has wanked off Robert Downey Jr’s metal shaft.IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 7
In Iron Man 2, the Iron Man suit can be reduced into the size of a portable suitcase. The moral here is that you should never stand behind Robert Downey Jr at airport security. If a line can be held up by someone not taking their laptop out of their bag properly, imagine what they’d do if he tried to put a fully-functioning flying robot through the scanners. You’d be waiting for hours. You’d probably miss your plane. He’s inconsiderate, that’s what Robert Downey Jr is. Screw you, Robert Downey Jr! You can stick your Iron Man 2 up your arse!Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
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Lil Wayne Finally Gets That Prison Sentence He Wanted
That’s the last we’ll see of Lil Wayne for a while. He’ll be spending the next year having the time of his life.Admittedly he’ll be in jail. But if Lil Wayne has any sense, he’ll use this year as a chance to refocus his priorities – he could maybe take up painting, or study meditation, or learn to love being stabbed in the thigh by an institutionalised lunatic whenever the warden isn’t around. Stuff like that.
But that’s all up to Lil Wayne. After two false starts, he was finally sentenced to a year in jail for attempted possession of a weapon yesterday. That said, he could be out in eight months for good behaviour. Fingers crossed that happens, because we really don’t want to wait another year for the Lil Wayne Christmas album.
Oh Lil Wayne, the things you’re going to miss. The World Cup. The inaugural Youth Olympic Games. Shanghai’s World Expo. The Russian launch of the world’s first Peruvian nanosatellite. If only Lil Wayne had thought of all these monumental fixtures before he allowed a gun onto his tour bus in 2007, maybe he wouldn’t have been hauled off to jail for a year yesterday. Remember the Peruvian nanosatellites, that’s our motto. Always remember the Peruvian nanosatellites.
That said, Lil Wayne has been enjoying a lot more freedom than he must have expected – yesterday marked his third attempt at sentencing. First it was postponed because Lil Wayne had a bit of toothache. Then it was postponed because the courthouse caught fire unexpectedly. But yesterday there was nowhere to hide, and Lil Wayne found himself being sent to the big house. BBC News reports:
Rapper Lil Wayne has been sentenced to a year in prison after pleading guilty to gun possession. His lawyer said the rapper expected to be held in protective custody, separated from other prisoners, at New York City’s Rikers Island jail complex. The singer delivered a brief bow as he was led from Manhattan criminal court. Lil Wayne… has vowed to keep writing while behind bars.
That’s encouraging. If anything’s going to get Lil Wayne through the next year of his life, it’s dedication to his craft. He has the potential to come out of this jail sentence with a career-defining album about his experiences in prison. Or just lots and lots of half-finished lyric sheets that were abandoned because he couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with ‘Please stop bumming me’.
Either way, it’ll have to be better than his last album, on the basis that everything that has ever existed or will ever exist is better than his last album.
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