» 2009 » December
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SPRAYLIST 09: Things Of The Year
You know what tomorrow is? It’s 2010. A whole new year. A blank page. What it contains is down to you.Actually, that’s a lie. What it’ll contain is hair loss if you’re a boy, thick wiry hair sprouting out of your body if you’re a girl, partial loss of skin elasticity, weird pains that come and go for no reasons, chronic overtiredness and a general feeling that you’re not going anywhere and it’s all a big waste.
So before that non-stop hellride starts, let the hecklerspray staff take you on a self-indulgent tour of what they liked best about 2009. Yay!
Stuart Heritage
Being asked to help out with World Contraception Day was pretty good. Not only did I meet a bunch of lovely people in the process, it turns out I have the capacity to occasionally care about stuff, too. Who knew? Also, interviewing Dappy from N-Dubz looks like it’s going to be the highlight of my professional career. Oh, and Slankets. Oh, and Jedward. Oh, and sarcasm.Matthew Laidlow
Even though I’ve had it for ages, Twitter kicked off massively this year and gave me a smaller platform to spout my gibberish rants. I might not have a cult of followers like Stephen Fry but I have shamefully been excited when Andrew W.K followed me and I had a mini chat with the last original Sugababe – Keisha. I had nothing to do with her being kicked out of the group, honest. It has enabled me to talk to random people I have never met about the weirdest of things. My personal favourite was a debate on what topping should go in to a baked potato. Tedious I know, but being slightly simple it makes my day go a bit quicker. On a more serious note, I have read more blogs I never knew existed. I now feel like a baking lord after badly trying to recreate recipes from the lovely ladies at Domestic Sluttery. And for more realistic TV reviews, Watch With Mothers always nails it. God bless you Twitter, it’s more than a celebrity stalking aid! Send me messages of love, anger, freebie alerts and spelling corrections to @MatthewLaidlow.
Chris Laverty
Goodness knows. Games maybe? Some good ones this year. Either Uncharted 2, which is like playing a movie: better photo realistic graphics, superb voice acting; though maybe too much shooting and not enough exploring. Or Batman: totally immersive, has a gripping story and acting, original stealth approach and some wickedly simple but effective fighting. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 was just mad. And a little bit sick. Or perhaps I’ll just settle for Shakira in that She Wolf video. A big bobbly butt, looks a bit like Phoebe from Friends (series 1), she smiles, jiggles, dances like a mad uncle. Yeah, it has to be Shakira. The best thing about 2009 for me was Shakira’s ass.
Amy Grindhouse
Being a contributor for hecklerspray. Cheesy, but true. I have my own site, sure. But this has been a great place to spend the better part of the year letting loose. I started contributing weekly back in February of this year. It has been downhill from there. So, I’d like to say thanks to the gang for letting me embarrass them and myself, weekly, for 10 months. May I continue to be the bastard child of the family through 2010 too.
Josh Burt
Fashion Discovery of the Year
Doing my top button up. I’d never done this before, and then I did it, and I liked it. Whether I will carry on doing it, I just don’t know, but I’m about two weeks in and there’s no sign of me undoing it. This could be the big look next year. Or not.
Food of the year
It’s been another strong year for food – particularly Double Deckers (there’s now a ‘massive’ option), Pickled Onion Monster Munch seem to be enjoying a second stab in the sunshine, and a McDonalds mix up forced me to try a filet-O-fish. It was delicious.
Paul Gibson
In an unfamiliar city and desperate for some good Chinese? The iPhone. Got lost while driving and need to know your exact global coordinates plus how to get home? The iPhone. Desperately unpopular arsehole who can’t bear to lose at a pub quiz? The iPhone. Every single other time in your life when you have a problem that’s getting you down? Three-inch remote-controlled helicopter. And a cat.
Keith Emmerson
Jade Goody’s media death
A fairly sure-fire way to silence one of the most lamentable people in Britain would be for her to die right? How wrong we were. I should probably make clear at this stage that it isn’t her death I’m celebrating, but rather the perpetual media circus that followed it. The news feedback comprising reports of her life and ‘legacy’, and then the comments on those reports and how they should let her rest in peace, then the comments pointing out the irony of those comments, created the most bizarre and self serving, not to mention macabre news event of the year.
Louise Scodie
Resurgence of event TV and rise of Twitter
Historically event television has been a massive uniting factor in this country. Yet with the advent of Freeview and internet porn, most people thought it was over. Mais non! 2009 saw some brilliant event TV moments like yucky old Nick Griffin on Question Time and Cheryl and Dannii’s glamorexia on X Factor. Event TV brings people together in a very specific way and this makes me happy because I like it when we all have something to share. The rise of Twitter also rocked my socks, especially its #welovenhs campaign. Take that, paranoid misinformed Americans!
David Scarborough
Ghostbusters: The Video Game
Not the most crafted game of the year and by no means the most impressive, but my God, it was glorious. Like nostalgia, wrapped up in a neat little box, this game unleashed the 80’s child inside me and reignited the passion I once had. Now all I need is a flaccid foam Proton Pack and I’m six again!
Robyn Wilder
John and Edward from X Factor won my heart from the moment they appeared on screen and said:
“I’m John.”
“And I’m Edward.”
“And together we are….!”
“… John and Edward.”Shawn Lindseth
My favorite thing of 2009, because a picture is worth a thousand words:
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SPRAYLIST 09: TV Shows Of The Year
That’s almost it, then – just over a day and 2009 will be filed away forever, possibly under ‘quite wet’.We’re not writing this now, of course. We’re ensconced in the bosom of our families. But this hastily thrown-together list of TV shows that the hecklerspray writers quite liked is probably enough to fool you into thinking that we’re still around, right? Right? Of course it is.
Anyway, TV shows that we liked and you probably didn’t. Don’t forget to tell us how spectacularly misinformed we are, either. Let’s go!
Stuart Heritage
Lost, hands down. This year Lost managed to take an already confusing show, make it 4,000 times more confusing and still manage to create the year’s most compelling TV out of it. Between Lost itself, Jeff Jensen’s columns on Lost in Entertainment Weekly and the recurring dreams I had about the poxy thing, I’m starting to consider myself a slight obsessive. There may even be a brief period of mourning after the last episode next year. Let’s hope there isn’t, because that’d make me a right wanker, wouldn’t it?
Shawn Lindseth
My DVR is jam packed to the point that I can’t record every show I want to because too many others are already in line. The most notable of these would be 30 Rock, LOST and Community – the latest fantastic show to light up our nights. The best television in 2009, however, is Survivor: Samoa because of the way Russell found those immunity idols so effortlessly (without a single clue) and used them to turn the whole game on its head.
Television, reality-based or otherwise, rarely gets more exciting.
Matthew Laidlow
I’m sure I’ve been using the same show for the last few years, but I’m going to do it again. And seeing it’s finished forever, I can’t do it next year. I bloody love The Shield and still think it’s better than The Wire. Just because it’s not talked about in The Guardian every day means its not good. For all it was worth, the show did need to finish as the tight friendship the main characters had was an all time low. Each episode was still leaving you wanting more and the ending was done in a way that severed justice but not necessarily in the correct way. Basically, it was a better ending than The Sopranos.
Watching our holy lord editor Stuart Heritage doing stuff on Sky News was also amusing. He said ‘bumholes’ pre-watershed and put a grim expression on the presenter’s face.
Chris Laverty
I had never seen The Wire before BBC2 screened it earlier this year with such self-satisfied ballyhoo. Thing is, nobody warned me about the greatness. People said stuff like ‘best TV show ever’ or ‘better than The Sopranos’, but nobody actually encapsulated what it was that made The Wire so damn perfect. For the uninitiated I will not even attempt to put this right. My best advice is to just watch the show yourself. Watch three episodes at a time and don’t ever go near any stupid forums. The Wire is better ingested than discussed.
Josh Burt
It’s been a vintage year for television programmes, so, here are some of the best in list form: Eastbound and Down, In Treatment, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 30 Rock, Big Brother (genuinely brilliant for the first time in about five years), and Masterchef The Professionals. Much better than normal Masterchef.
Amy Grindhouse
I’m going to have to be obvious here and say my favourite show is True Blood. I’m addicted, which is weird because broadly speaking I watch almost no TV. But this show has me hooked in a way only Chocolate Buttons had managed before. It is a show about a bunch of vampires and country folk with Texas accents, living in Louisiana. It contains more sex scenes than one should ever feel entirely comfortable with in one show. Other than that, it’s smashing.
Paul Gibson
Tempted to go with my perennial favourite, Cops. But that sort of goes without saying, so props this year to Family Guy (the shark was circling last season, but this show refused to jump) and Glee (I am male and heterosexual, but this was fun and the musical treatments worked). Also, despite pouring hundreds of rude words about her onto the internet, I have to give a large, manly shout out to Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent. Truth be told, it was a very touching ‘moment’ when she first stood there, like a badly gift-wrapped potato, and let loose with that voice.
Keith Emmerson
The Thick of It
Despite the dumbing down of the latest series with most episodes constructed around Peter Capaldi’s creative swearing ala In The Loop, The Thick Of It remains my favourite TV show. The subtle glances, nods and inflections are what make this programme great, and dare I say it, identifiably British. It is difficult to mention TTOI without Chris Langham’s elephant appearing in the room, let’s just say that it hasn’t been quite the same without his great character present.
Louise Scodie
If TV is the opium of the masses, then talent shows are its crack cocaine. You start with a little bit of Britain’s Got Talent, and then before you know it you’re cancelling arrangements to watch the live final (“What do you mean you can’t get another bridesmaid at this short notice?”) and snorting Strictly Come Dancing through a fiver. Like all addicts, I don’t care as long as I get my fix. My fave this year was X Factor. Le Cowell is TV’s fittest panto baddie and I am going to marry him.
David Scarborough
How I Met Your Mother
Overlooking my usual choice of Lost, How I Met Your Mother slipped under the radar on E4 and proved to be the most delightful, hilarious treat this year. Instead of letting Flashforward give you a nosebleed (because it is so bafflingly ill-conceived), let this show put your faith back into quality US entertainment.
Robyn Wilder
Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse, I’m afraid. Yes, it’s flawed; yes, it’s inconsistent; and yes – it has been cancelled. But no other TV show this year had dialogue like this:
Topher: Brown Sauce. What’s it made of? Science doesn’t know!
DeWitt: It’s made of brown.
Topher: Brown…mined from the earth by the hard scrabble brown miners of north Brownderton!
DeWitt: Oh my god, I find lentils completely incomprehensible.Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
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SPRAYLIST 09: Albums Of The Year
It’s December 29. That’s officially the happiest day of the year. Or one of the most depressing. Back to work, soon, you know.But not yet, so why not escape the company of those who you’ve grown to resent by reading what sort of music a bunch of uppity young turds have decided to force up your bumholes to show much cooler than you they are. That’s right, it’s the annual rundown of hecklerspray’s favourite albums!
Oh look excited, for heaven’s sake. And add your own below…
I spent half of this year mentally preparing to write a long, gushing piece on how much I love the Phoenix album, but then two things happened. 1) I ended up hearing it so much – at home, outside, on the radio, on TV shows – that the charm wore off slightly. 2) I heard Kings And Queens by Jamie T – which manages to be a Great British Album in the vein of Parklife or The Village Green Preservation Society or All Mod Cons and dazzlingly modern all at once. It’s turned me into an annoying Jamie T evangelist, so I’ll pick that. Also, well done to Devendra Banhart for making the third best album of the year. Again.
Shawn Lindseth
Ahh 2009, you were a great year for music. You started out with …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead shaking the very foundation of rock n’ roll (yet again) and you pretty much wrapped up with Julian Casablancas spraying us all down with some eighties-cool. And that’s not all. In the interim Eels howled at the moon, fun. tried to push peacocks onto the endangered species list, and Marcy Playground surprised us with a brand new album of impeccable quality.
But the best album…the greatest thing to digitally plunk out of my iPod – was Say Hi’s Ohhs & Aahs.
Matthew Laidlow
Oh I can’t pick just one album, that’s just way too hard. It’s like asking a mother to pick one of her children from a burning fire. There has been plenty of amazing stuff this year that has entertained my ears and pissed off commuters on the bus. To be fair, Animal Collective kind of had the title of record of the year sown up in January with their ‘winning over the masses’ album Merriweather Post Pavilion. Honestly, it’s bloody great and if you like buying CDs in shops; it comes with some brilliant trippy artwork. The track My Girls is the highlight and is six minutes of disco meets electronica heaven. But my favourites of the year? Well if you care, they’d have to be Ambivalence Avenue by Bibio and If You Were Fruit by The Lovely Eggs. Both albums are completely different in terms of their genre and style but make a record that you’ll listen to again and again. I do anyway.
Chris Laverty
Lady Gaga, The Fame Monster Deluxe Edition – Not since Madonna could flex her biceps without also batting her eyelids has a pop star married the world of fashion and music with such gender bending confidence and downright dirty attitude as Lady Gaga. It is fair to say that most people couldn’t give a stuff about this sort of thing and just like their musicians to play a tune and upload as a pretty picture on their iPod. Gaga is perfect here too. Her songs are so catchy you will get on your own nerves singing them. Plus she rocks a bin-bag dress or lampshade bodice like nobody else before her. More interesting and cool than 99% of the regurgitating dance meets R&B meets electro acts out there, Lady Gaga has released a new album every bit as potty as you expected it to be. The clue is in her name, see. While copycat Rihanna pouts and frowns, Gaga just gets on with enjoying herself dressed as Minnie Mouse and singing songs in gibberish. All we need now is a duet with Michael Bublé and the greatest musical achievement this side of Wings awaits us.
Amy Grindhouse
My tastes are too eclectic to sum up in one word – other than the word eclectic. Let me try that again. My random taste in music sees me listening to everything from Johnny Cash to Alicia Keys. My favourite album for this year would probably be The Fame by Lady GaGa. Yes, really. It is a bundle of weirdness with just enough random pockets of ‘What the hell is this I’m listening to, eh?’ to keep someone like me interested.
Josh Burt
Being one of those awful angular types, who can’t possibly know anything about new music without feeling outed and self-conscious, I couldn’t name a good album from 2009. Perhaps Susan Boyle or Coldplay? I just bought this record on eBay, but it’s totally depressing and well old. My record of the year though, because I found it in 2009.
Paul Gibson
A New Tide by Gomez. First studio album since 2006’s quite wondrous How We Operate. It’s more pastoral than their previous works, with a lot more acoustic songs and a lot fewer rambling blues jams. That could upset some fans, but I think it works perfectly as a snapshot of the band’s current mental state. The boys are settling down (houses, wives, children) and becoming adults. This could be the beginning of their musical Second Age.
Keith Emmerson
A Camp – Colonia
While I could quite easily favour this album because of the heavenly beauty of Nina Persson alone, that’s not really it. I loved this album from the first listen, the opening track, The Crowning, teases you in with a gentle piano intro then builds more and more layers until you’re in the middle of a deep, warm and surrounding sound. Before you know it you’re at the melancholic but uplifting conversational duet Golden Teeth and Silver Medals. This is one of the few albums I’ve come to appreciate more after experiencing live, I’m going to listen to it some more now.Louise Scodie
Walking on a Dream by Empire of the Sun
I first heard Empire of the Sun one night when I was feeling morose yet defiant. I was listening to Radcliffe and Maconie on Radio 2. The loveable duo burbled about prog rock for a bit and then played Walking on a Dream, Empire of the Sun’s first hit. I fell in love with it instantly because Empire of the Sun also sounded morose yet defiant. Their album, also entitled Walking on a Dream, is beautiful, melodic and petulant. We Are The People, its standout track, makes me want to run about, get drunk and hug people. Buy this album!
David Scarborough
Muse – Uprising
Unsurprisingly, Muse yet again return with another piece of audio mastery. Not their best album but it is probably the best rock record of the year. I can’t wait to see what they do next!Robyn Wilder
Hold up, Granddad – album? Album? I don’t do albums man, I don’t have time! I’m a child of the future, I’m too busy cloning myself and pimping my hoverboard. I do have a favourite song, though. It is, predictably, She-Wolf by Shakira, for these reasons:
- Awooooo!
- The lyric “darling, this is lycanthropy.”
- The viral campaignIts AWESOME parody video. Actually it’s better than the original.
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SPRAYLIST 09: Films Of The Year
Here we are again, filling the gap between Christmas and next year with our favourite stuff from the year gone by.Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But hecklerspray, this is 2009 so why aren’t you doing a list of the best stuff that’s happened this decade?” And the answer to that is this: We forgot it was the end of the decade. Alright? We forgot. AND NOW IT’S TOO LATE.
Anyway, let’s fill this poxy post Christmas wilderness with the best films of the year, as picked by our ragtag bunch of young adventurers. Let us know if you disagree…
Stuart Heritage
Bit torn over this one, really – for me there’s not much between Up and In The Loop. So do I choose Up – which is lovely and sad and funny and in 3D – or In The Loop because a Scottish man says “Fuckity-bye” in it? Screw it, I’m going with Up. Particularly the first few minutes of Up, which are impressively devastating. That said, I do get the feeling that if Pixar continue down this road much longer, they’re going to make a film depressing enough to inspire mass suicides every time it’s shown. Not sure that’s such a great thing, really.
Shawn Lindseth
The best movie of 2009 should have been the one we made starring our neighbor Phil as a two armed, giant tarantula who’d acquired the taste for the feet of all women who have silicone breast implants. That makes a lot more sense in the context of the script. No movie studios agreed, probably because they’re all retarded.
As such, the only film worth two shakes in the year of our Lord, 2009, was the new Star Trek. It really was good though.
Matthew Laidlow
Even though it was given a verbal shitting by critics at the cinema, I still love 12 Rounds. Come on! You know 12 Rounds. The one with John Cena in. The wrestler John Cena? It’s an age-old and basic plot. Stupid bumbling cop John Cena stops a master criminal in his tracks and accidentally kills his girlfriend. Of course, this doesn’t make the naughty man happy and seeks revenge in prison when he’s not getting bum love off another inmate.
So for an hour and a bit, there are 12 rounds (get it) of challenges for poor John Cena to go through. Buy why is this? Well our villain is so cheesed off that he’s only gone and kidnapped Cena’s girlfriend. All in a crap attempt to gain revenge and do something on a grander scale. I won’t spoil it, but the ending had me in fits of laughter.
Josh Burt
When I say I love The Hangover – which I’m going to do in about two/three sentences time – I don’t mean I love it at all. What I mean is that I quite like that three minute segment near the beginning when they’re on the roof and Zach Galifianakis reads a small pre-prepared speech about being a lone wolf. That bit made me laugh. I fucking love The Hangover.
Chris Laverty
For someone who reviews films on a regular basis, picking the best often means picking the most flat out enjoyable; not necessarily the sharpest written, acted, directed or produced, just the one that put the widest smile on your face; the one that didn’t leave you sick with disappointment or bored to tears and desperate for a leak; the one that wasn’t Transformers 2. Having laughed harder than a drunken clown and spent 90 minutes scrawling quotable lines in my notebook instead of review notes, I would have to say that film was The Hangover.
Amy Grindhouse
Some of the films this year were really dire. They felt like over-long, over-produced, glorified music videos. The Michael Bay-type, with a trendy soundtrack and more explosions and boobs than dialogue. My favourite film of the year is one that had the balls to not contain any explosions. My head nearly exploded when I watched it, but that’s another matter entirely. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire is my favourite film by a mile, because it contains snazzy things like plot, emotion, and decent acting. All controversial and all bloody good.
Paul Gibson
The Hangover. Much-hyped, devilishly naughty comedy that had me forgetting my English genes and folding up with laughter in an American ‘movie theater’. Excellent ensemble cast (I think that’s the correct film review cliche), including Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis go to work on a beautifully-written script (“Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don’t, but do me a favor: don’t text me, it’s gay”). Plus, it made us see Mike Tyson as a human being again, rather than the monstrous half android/half bicep that has chased us through a decade of bad dreams.
Keith Emmerson
There were already rumours of an American remake of Let The Right One In when I saw a preview screening of this film, which is often incorrectly shoehorned into the vampire horror category. Perhaps those folks in Hollywood didn’t think the world at large had the (very limited) intellect required to enjoy a subtitled film, who knows. The vampiric element of this Swedish classic is probably the least important. It is a story about loneliness, growing up, companionship, bullying, and maybe even the futility of relationships; all se upon a desolate yet beautiful backdrop.
Louise Scodie
You’d have to be a hard-hearted puppyfucker not to be moved by Up. It’s my nomination for film of the year, film of the decade, and best film ever released in an October. Up is wonderful, and even more magical when viewed in 3D. The first fifteen minutes are a masterclass in storytelling and cinematography, seamlessly combining a love story with the harsh truth of the human condition (merry Christmas!). I also enjoyed He’s Just Not That Into You and plan to make a semi*cough*autobiographical sequel myself entitled He’s Just Not That Into You (Unless He’s Totally, Totally Mental).
David ScarboroughThe funniest film of the year and it happens to be British – In The Loop. A satirical look at the British government that would be frightening if it wasn’t so darn hilarious! In a year when the startlingly average Slumdog Millionaire gets all the attention, this film got criminally overlooked.
Robyn Wilder
My favourite release of this year is Star Trek – so fresh! So original! No tedious Jean-Luc Picard French wine peasant backstory; no saggy Data; no bloody RIKER LOVE SCENES. This was prequel was so whizz-bang and personality-heavy that I forgot to wince whenever Sylar Spock’s waxed eyebrows filled the screen.
In fact they’re such jokers that they even made a gag reel:
However, so did the cast and crew of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and it fills me with FEAR:
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Roman Polanski’s Tedious Case Still Not Dismissed
This Christmas, spare a thought for poor old Roman Polanski. Things haven’t been going his way at all lately.He’s going to have a rubbish Christmas. And considering that he’s spent at least the last 30 Christmases on the lam in Europe after being convicted of having sex with a 13-year-old girl, that means it’s going to be incredibly rubbish. You see, an American court has just decided not to dismiss Roman Polanski’s unlawful sex case, despite him asking really nicely.
Worse, he’s still under house arrest. And you wouldn’t want to spend your Christmas trapped in a luxurious snow-covered alpine chalet surrounded by your wife and two children, do you? That’s basically the dictionary definition of the word torture.
This whole Roman Polanski thing has edged towards something approximating a conclusion. And by ‘conclusion’ we mean ‘Roman Polanski’s death from old age’ because the whole affair seems to be brimming with people determined to stall it. But here are the big updates for any fans of Roman Polanski or alleged unlawful sex with minors out there:
1 – Roman Polanski has lost his appeal to have the case against him dismissed. This is a particular surprise, because US appeal courts usually give in after the 150th time an usually short film director gets his lawyers to whine at them.
2 - The court doesn’t seem to want Roman Polanski to go to jail anyway. In its ruling it suggested that if, Polanski agreed to be sentenced in absentia, he could argue his case of official misconduct and possibly get off that way. Or, even if that plan went up, the judge could rule that he’d already served his jail time in 1978 before he legged it to France.
It’s hard to know what to make of the last point. Although it sounds like the court just wants to bring the Roman Polanski case to a conclusion, it might all just be a way to draw him into a trial where he can be hit with the full force of a jail sentence. Or, by pointing out that he might have already served his jail sentence, it could be mocking him for spending 30 years in manky old France eating slabs of undercooked horse when he could have spent the whole time in his massive LA mansion making films that people actually watch instead.
But still, while this continues to play out – or until he’s extradited back to America next year – Roman Polanski will have to remain under house arrest. And that must be awful. Sure he lives in a breathtaking alpine mansion with his family under better conditions that many of us could ever dream of experiencing, but remember – it’s a breathtaking alpine mansion in Switzerland. What’s he going to do if his neighbours Shania Twain or Tina Turner unexpectedly come to visit? He can’t jump out of the back window like a normal person would – he’d set off his electronic tag.
Truly, Roman Polanski is living the worst kind of nightmare.
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Exclusive: Wrong Turn Death Montage
As movie franchises go, Wrong Turn is up there with Cruel Intentions, Tremors and Home Alone.On the horizon is the third entry into the gloriously gory horror trilogy which stars Brit actor Tamer Hassan (Usually seen with dat Danny Dyer, innit).
For your aural/visual pleasure, we present to you an exclusive montage of the best deaths in the franchise; gasp, recoil and enjoy the guilty pleasure that is Wrong Turn. You may wish to proceed with caution, depending on your tolerance for gratuitous scenes of evisceration. After the jump…
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Boy George Banned From Celebrity Big Brother Thanks To That Male Prostitute
If you were born in the era where songs likes Karma Chameleon were considered acceptable to own, then we feel sorry for you. Looking back at it now, the record is really poor. Almost U2 poor. With Boy George singing about karma, perhaps he thought the mystic force would bestow tons of positive energy towards him.
Clearly this wasn’t the case for poor Boy George. After all, no normal person can tell you another Culture Club song. Then, of course, the old drugs don’t help and neither does chaining up male whores in your house. Despite getting a jail sentence reduced for the whore thing, Boy George is suffering now. The probation service believe he is danger of media attacks if was to go into the Celebrity Big Brother house. We wonder why.
To us, Celebrity Big Brother seems like one gigantic prison anyway. You are surrounded with morons who want to become the head honcho and will do anything to make it possible. Whether it’s threatening violence or bumming in the shower, the two murky places aren’t a million apart. Just that the prison wardens are replaced by cameramen and Davina McCall.
Even though the format has been beaten to death, there’s something fun about watching famous people put themselves through torture. Do the public watch so they don’t have to read pointless autobiographies and instead see a warm physical person? Or because we want to see someone pierce their own tongue with a baked bean tin and piece of fish wire?
Do they do it for the love of meeting other famous people? Of course not, there is almost always a silly amount of money thrown at people to degrade themselves for a couple of weeks. The BBC report that Boy George has been offered somewhere in the region of £200,000 to appear – an amount which is a substantially higher than a pleb of the street would win in the normal summer edition.
So what’s stopping Boy George from entering the Celebrity Big Brother jungle on ice? Ah, a little thing called being arrested for beating up a male hooker after chaining him up. Amazingly, this sort of thing wasn’t deemed socially acceptable behaviour and Boy George was handed a 15 month sentence back in January. However the sentence was cut with various conditions put in place. Quite likely, he wasn’t allowed to have many male friends over for tea. Though he is a free man to buy a paper and visit Hampstead Heath, the BBC reports:
“London Probation refused the singer’s request to appear on Big Brother as he is still on licence and wears an electronic tag.”
What a bummer. How can we cope without a good fashioned calamity popstar on the programme? Hmm perhaps the producers of the show have some other equally weird people to drop in the house for amusement? Oh look! The BBC again reports:
“Former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson and US rapper MC Hammer are among celebrities reportedly being lined up to appear on Celebrity Big Brother in January.”
Awesome, a balloon titted lifeguard and a comedy rapper. All we need is a novelty celebrity who appeared on Eurotrash from the 1990s and we’re all set to go again.
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Someone Threatens To Kill Michael Jackson! Shock!
Did you hear that? Seal up his tomb! Superglue the lid of his coffin down! Someone wants to kill Michael Jackson!This is serious! Michael Jackson can’t be allowed to die more than once this year. That’d just be careless on his part. What? Oh, Michael Jackson received death threats before he died, but the FBI has only just got round to releasing the files? Oh, OK. Well they’d better be good death threats to justify being in the news, then?
What? Someone threatened to kill Michael Jackson, everyone at a Michael Jackson concert and the president of America in order to get half of Michael Jackson’s estate and catch the attention of an unnamed woman? Oh the FBI, this is the greatest Christmas present of them all.
Things might have got a little out of control in the Michael Jackson stakes this year, with his sudden death sparking rumours of ghosts and all-child tribute acts and brain removal and that shouting kid from Britain’s Got Talent but, now that 2009 is almost over, it’s time for the FBI to remind us all of a very important truth – Michael Jackson may have been weird, but his fans were considerably weirder.
That’s applicable for all Michael Jackson fans – especially those who dress up as him and take part in televised seances – but it goes double for a man called Frank Paul Jones, who could well be the bonkersest Michael Jackson fan of all time.
We’ve got the FBI to thank for this. It has just released its files on Michael Jackson, running from the early 1990s until his death. And, while the files might be light on incriminating child-molestation information, at least Frank Paul Jones managed to liven things up by writing a series of genuinely ridiculous threats concerning Michael in around 1992. Our favourite parts of his correspondence:
I decided that because nobody is taking me serious… I AM going to Washington DC to threaten to kill the president of the United States George Bush… PS: I dear you to call this a bluff.
Michael I will personally attempt to kill if he doesn’t pay me my money. If I’m crazy I’m going to jail.
I’ll commit mass murder at a Michael Jackson concert if necessary, in an attempt to murder Michael.
I’m 33 years old and never had a real relationship in my life, I can’t even slow dance.
The Federal Government knows who “I AM”, and they know the deal. If it was about money, I already monopolized the world and I’m only 33.
My interest is that half of Michael’s estate is mines, my proof is if he doesn’t pay up I’m going after him.
Then he starts to go on about how much he likes Earth Wind and Fire and how he’s the son of man and stuff. There’s 200 pages of this. If you get the time, you really should download the files. You probably won’t be able to sleep for a couple of nights afterwards, but at least it’ll be fun.
Anyway, the moral of the story here is probably that you shouldn’t try to threaten Michael Jackson because he’ll always get the last laugh by waiting 17 years before fatally overdosing on medical-grade anaesthetic. Or something.
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WEBTHUMP! Christmas Special 2009!
10 – What booze to drink if you don’t want a hangover – Slantedscience
9 – Amy Winehouse is queen of the panto heckle – PopEater
8 - It’s A Wonderful Life. OH, IS IT? - Interestment
7 – Who’s the best personality of 2009? You will genuinely not believe this – Popsugar
6 - The most Christmassy vehicle in all the world – Geekology
5 - A Christmas cocktail that isn’t specifically for Christmas but you can still drink at Christmas. CHRISTMAS! – Domesticsluttery
4 - Why winter is brilliant. And crap – Collegecandy
3 - A SNAKE FIGHTING A WOODPECKER! Um, at Christmas – Asylum
2 - Children being idiots about Christmas – Atom
1 - The oldest Christmas video in the world. But the best. Merry Christmas Kiefer….
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Steven Tyler Goes Back To Rehab, For Some Reason
Weird. Looks like Steven Tyler – who recently left Aerosmith, rejoined Aerosmith and got fired by Aerosmith – is on drugs.We didn’t see that coming at all. Steven Tyler doesn’t have a history of drug use, and it’s not like his recent behaviour has been legitimately potty or anything. But despite this, Tyler has decided to go to rehab to wean himself off the painkillers that he’s been addicted to for a decade.
Now, obviously, it’s important to state that the painkiller addiction may have nothing to do with Steven Tyler’s erratic behaviour lately. At this stage, in the interest of fairness, we have to assume that Steven Tyler is always this much of a clueless prick.
Oh Steven Tyler, you had to go and spoil it, didn’t you? Just last month everyone was happy – you decided to leave Aerosmith to concentrate on ‘Brand Tyler’ and Aerosmith vowed to carry on without you. It was the perfect scenario – based on your cameo in Be Cool, Brand Tyler would have died a sorry death, the other members of Aerosmith would have quickly faded into obscurity and, best of all, there wouldn’t have been an Aerosmith any more.
But you had to go and ruin that, didn’t you Steven Tyler? You had to realise that you were addicted to painkillers and that addiction was jeopardising the future of the band, didn’t you Steven Tyler? You had to go and check into rehab in an effort to repair the broken bond with your friends and improve your general level of health, didn’t you Steven Tyler? You make us sick, you inconsiderate bastard.
Here’s what Tyler told People:
“With the help of my family and team of medical professionals, I am taking responsibility for the management of my pain and am eager to be back on the stage and in the recording studio with my bandmates Joe Perry, Joey Kramer, Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford. I love Aerosmith; I love performing as the lead singer in Aerosmith. I am grateful for all of the support and love I am receiving and am committed to getting things taken care of.”
Now, let’s be fair for a moment. It makes sense for Steven Tyler to be addicted to painkillers, given that he can barely go five minutes without toppling over like a boozed-up transvestite monkey. Not is this news particularly shocking, since Steven Tyler has been to rehab more times than a truckload of Lohans in the past.
So, you know what? It’s Christmas. Steven Tyler deserves our support here. If we all get behind him and aid his efforts to rid himself of his crippling addiction, maybe he’ll be able to find total peace within himself. Or at least enough peace to realise that Aerosmith are toilet. That’d be more than enough.
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